Wednesday, November 12, 2014
The Male in Minority
I haven’t felt more threatened ever before. The gay man with the whip and all his maidens surrounding me. I think i have reached a tea party where everyone is dressed up in pink, drinking tea and asking each other if they would like one cube of sugar or two. There is this desire to run, to chase, to be in the company of the silence venturing into the oblivion. Maybe I am a social animal, one who can’t be with everyone. The feminism present in this room can be cut with a knife. I think I’m suffocating in it. They seem to be standing in a military position, ready to strike on the first instruction. This nightmare will end, later than sooner though. Giggles all around, compliments, whispers in the air, flowing locks, gold earrings flashing in my eyes. My hands are cold even though I sit in this room. I think its the effect of the stares, the slow fall of the smile after the crane of the neck, there is no friend here, there is no comrade, only the end will be me running my fingernails down my keyboard. There were a few sane ones at first, while the others had all gone stark raving mad, but now they all seem to have gone on to the dark side. There are some like me who feel the same, but they lie quiet, zombified, mute to what was happening around them. It is only a matter of time before their balls drop and I see them wearing lipstick and putting on their maskara. I can see the horns coming out from the back of their heads. I don’t think I will be able to see the sun today. The darkness would have settled over by then. All I can do is run, far and straight, away from this madness, away from this madness.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Sheepa
I looked out at her among the millions of faces I had seen in the crowds.
This is how each story began. I saw her smile from a distance and wondered how such a person could have been created who could capture your heart with one smile flex in her muscles. There was an air about her, she had looked into my eyes the first time I saw her and I knew that such a life did not exist on this planet that could reciprocate the attention that I had just received from her. It felt like that it was my birthday and I was being asked to stand in front of a candle and blow out the last one. You are always asked to wish over the last one but you never know what you are going to wish for. You wish for a house, a rich life, a kind and loving wife but all this you tend to get or well at least 'assume' to get. However, when I stared into her eyes, I did not wish to change anything that had happened in the past not predict anything for the future. There was just now and all I wanted was to be with her, now and forever. I was never a confident talker and I still am not. Girls would rather choose the bad and more notorious guys rather than the good ones who always look out for you. That's the the way the world goes. You might be the most kindest of persons and be called the nicest guy in the world but under the dark lights and the influence of the one odd drink, you will be pushed and shoved to the corner where parasites will come and cover your body to suck out all the love that you possess within your heart. Beware of this syndrome I tell you now for you can't be the one standing next to a pillar staring at the life that you could have had instead of realizing that the best thing to do at this point in time was to move on. Sometimes it hurts, there is a drop in the atmospheric pressure when you think of the consequences as if you are sitting on a swing and each oscillation makes your stomach take a turn. Don't worry about them, they will soon subside and you will realize that true happiness lies within yourself. But before I am to make conclusions based upon my opinions, I come back to her. She was not a face in the crowd anymore, her eyes had come across mine several times and we had conversed several times through our thoughts.
I was not a person who would begin a conversation as I stood in the dark, waiting for the right song to come and move my hips to it. I would want a calm and serene surrounding where I could let my mind be my controller and initiate a conversation that made more sense than senseless drunken talk. There seemed to be a lot more that we shared apart from the contact that we had made among out eyes. That night, there was nothing much that I could have done as I was just another face who had sprung up from the sea of unknowns but for some reason, there was something about me that had stuck to be on her mind. I was not to know what it was as I had never wished to know about it but soon after, I was in her presence yet again. I look at her hair as the wind blew it slightly across her shoulder and settled it behind. I looked into her eyes again and I saw the same look that had attracted my attention in the first place. I was struck, there was no feeling that could have described this in a better way for it was moment that had lasted for less than a moment but could have been described in umpteenth number of ways. The feeling had lasted as short as the time it takes for a moth to drive into a driving fan and be knocked out of wits, it was pure magic. I had asked her what was it that had made her eyes widen and her smile broaden but she would not tell me. She would rather blush and keep her secret to herself. I would never know the answer but I would hope that I had something to do with it.
Months had passed and we had exchanged our glances far too often. There had been crazy encounters and incidents that could be put down in books to be the least most exciting but there was nothing more that could have been brought of this. As she peeked through the leaves of the plant that grew at her balcony, she had a question in her eyes. There stood a dilemma that had not existed initially but now had sprung up owing to our association. I did not care much about the what and the where as I was always about the here and the now but owing to the world, there needed to be an answer. Somewhere far away, a volcano was on teh brink of erupting but had chosen to take its vow of silence owing to the state that I was in. I chose to stay quiet, I did not know an answer and I had hoped that she would one day come up to me and say that "It was ok" but that was what fairy tales were made of. Fairies did not exist and nor did their tales.
Her eyes had done the trick once again, taken me into a world that I had imagined and admired but at the same time, disconnected from the reality that I swam through. I was only a novice who had just realized the importance of being a schmuck but I was too naive to take up the responsibility. I wanted to stay in the depth of her eyes, swim in them, touch each point and dive deep into the trenches to know what lay beyond my understanding. But before I knew it, I was back in the shallow waters, for it was where I belonged, owing to my ideologies and inhibitions.
She moved on, she buried the hatched and along with it, me. I was nothing more than a mark on the dirt next to the road. I was the stick that one would see on the way as they sped on the highway and come back to the reality of the speedometer. I was a roll down the window and soon a breath of fresh air. I could have swum in those eyes forever, I could have stared at them till the meteor struck our planet but I was six feet under. This is where I belonged, I was an element, a piece of dirt and all that kept me from becoming one with earth was you.
Forgive me for my ignorance.
This is how each story began. I saw her smile from a distance and wondered how such a person could have been created who could capture your heart with one smile flex in her muscles. There was an air about her, she had looked into my eyes the first time I saw her and I knew that such a life did not exist on this planet that could reciprocate the attention that I had just received from her. It felt like that it was my birthday and I was being asked to stand in front of a candle and blow out the last one. You are always asked to wish over the last one but you never know what you are going to wish for. You wish for a house, a rich life, a kind and loving wife but all this you tend to get or well at least 'assume' to get. However, when I stared into her eyes, I did not wish to change anything that had happened in the past not predict anything for the future. There was just now and all I wanted was to be with her, now and forever. I was never a confident talker and I still am not. Girls would rather choose the bad and more notorious guys rather than the good ones who always look out for you. That's the the way the world goes. You might be the most kindest of persons and be called the nicest guy in the world but under the dark lights and the influence of the one odd drink, you will be pushed and shoved to the corner where parasites will come and cover your body to suck out all the love that you possess within your heart. Beware of this syndrome I tell you now for you can't be the one standing next to a pillar staring at the life that you could have had instead of realizing that the best thing to do at this point in time was to move on. Sometimes it hurts, there is a drop in the atmospheric pressure when you think of the consequences as if you are sitting on a swing and each oscillation makes your stomach take a turn. Don't worry about them, they will soon subside and you will realize that true happiness lies within yourself. But before I am to make conclusions based upon my opinions, I come back to her. She was not a face in the crowd anymore, her eyes had come across mine several times and we had conversed several times through our thoughts.
I was not a person who would begin a conversation as I stood in the dark, waiting for the right song to come and move my hips to it. I would want a calm and serene surrounding where I could let my mind be my controller and initiate a conversation that made more sense than senseless drunken talk. There seemed to be a lot more that we shared apart from the contact that we had made among out eyes. That night, there was nothing much that I could have done as I was just another face who had sprung up from the sea of unknowns but for some reason, there was something about me that had stuck to be on her mind. I was not to know what it was as I had never wished to know about it but soon after, I was in her presence yet again. I look at her hair as the wind blew it slightly across her shoulder and settled it behind. I looked into her eyes again and I saw the same look that had attracted my attention in the first place. I was struck, there was no feeling that could have described this in a better way for it was moment that had lasted for less than a moment but could have been described in umpteenth number of ways. The feeling had lasted as short as the time it takes for a moth to drive into a driving fan and be knocked out of wits, it was pure magic. I had asked her what was it that had made her eyes widen and her smile broaden but she would not tell me. She would rather blush and keep her secret to herself. I would never know the answer but I would hope that I had something to do with it.
Months had passed and we had exchanged our glances far too often. There had been crazy encounters and incidents that could be put down in books to be the least most exciting but there was nothing more that could have been brought of this. As she peeked through the leaves of the plant that grew at her balcony, she had a question in her eyes. There stood a dilemma that had not existed initially but now had sprung up owing to our association. I did not care much about the what and the where as I was always about the here and the now but owing to the world, there needed to be an answer. Somewhere far away, a volcano was on teh brink of erupting but had chosen to take its vow of silence owing to the state that I was in. I chose to stay quiet, I did not know an answer and I had hoped that she would one day come up to me and say that "It was ok" but that was what fairy tales were made of. Fairies did not exist and nor did their tales.
Her eyes had done the trick once again, taken me into a world that I had imagined and admired but at the same time, disconnected from the reality that I swam through. I was only a novice who had just realized the importance of being a schmuck but I was too naive to take up the responsibility. I wanted to stay in the depth of her eyes, swim in them, touch each point and dive deep into the trenches to know what lay beyond my understanding. But before I knew it, I was back in the shallow waters, for it was where I belonged, owing to my ideologies and inhibitions.
She moved on, she buried the hatched and along with it, me. I was nothing more than a mark on the dirt next to the road. I was the stick that one would see on the way as they sped on the highway and come back to the reality of the speedometer. I was a roll down the window and soon a breath of fresh air. I could have swum in those eyes forever, I could have stared at them till the meteor struck our planet but I was six feet under. This is where I belonged, I was an element, a piece of dirt and all that kept me from becoming one with earth was you.
Forgive me for my ignorance.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Ass-u-me
8pm, flight from Mumbai to Kolkata. The take off has just taken place and we are hovering in the sky like a feeble bird trying to stay stable in a gale. Things seem to be shaking from time to time and as for the fear of death, it's not there anymore. If
It must happen it must, there is no stopping it unless put onto the spot. All of a sudden, a crackle comes across the speakers as the captain says "we have a guest on board" and then pauses. I thought there is some celebrity who would like to entertain us on the momentous occasion of Eid, I could only imagine a film star popping out of his seat, dancing on a number or two, kissing babies on their forehead and giving autographs on ladies' breasts. But before I could carry my imagination any further, the captain let's out the rest of his dialogue "who is in need of medical assistance, is there anyone on board with medical background ?".
My pupils dilated as if somebody had used them as a trampoline, from being wide and full, they shrunk to the size of a full stop. I heard the rest of the passengers on the plane crane their neck over their seats to see what the drama was all about. They were probably missing their favorite serial on the flight so this story might be one for the kitty parties and the poker nights. At the back of the plane was an air hostess who seemed to have lost consciousness and was being carried by her colleagues. She had been made to lie down while they looked at us with desperation, but not a soul moved, all could been seen were their eyes looking back at them, anticipating, expecting but not delivering. But then I saw a man with grey hair get up from his seat with an air of confidence, I could notice the outline of his stethoscope in the pocket of his jacket and this was his moment to shine.
He had been sitting in his dilapidated clinic in the gutters of the city, tending to pregnant teenagers and children faking their sickness to skip school. The money was measly, the hours were boring and life seemed to be just treading downhill with each passing day. But now, was not the time for making ends meet, he had been called for and he would serve. He started walking towards the air hostess and noticing him she went up to him with an air of anticipation in her eyes as she asked "are you the doctor ?", the man nodded his head and said something that sounded like "Can I see the patient ?" The look on her eyes changed drastically to that of disappointment as she asked him to sit down on his seat. What had happened ? Was he a veterinarian ? Was his breath too stinky ? Apparently it was neither, the question that he had asked was "can I use the toilet ?" So much for his moment to shine and serve. The old fart wanted to go for a tinkle while somebody was probably boarding the stairway to heaven.
It was one thing embracing death in times of peril but would I let somebody else die while I continue living ? I was no doctor nor a medical practitioner, hell my mother told me I was not man enough to study biology. But there seemed to be nobody to help and the only thing I was good at was being a hero. But what was I going to do ? Hold their hand and tell them it was ok ? I had no answer but the situation at hand seemed to have improved. Someone had shown up and tended to the lady, things were under control. This plane was not going to be hearse after all. I heaved a sigh of relief as I got up from my seat, went towards the seat where the hostess was lying, passed her by and opened to door to the toilet. Order had now been restored.
It must happen it must, there is no stopping it unless put onto the spot. All of a sudden, a crackle comes across the speakers as the captain says "we have a guest on board" and then pauses. I thought there is some celebrity who would like to entertain us on the momentous occasion of Eid, I could only imagine a film star popping out of his seat, dancing on a number or two, kissing babies on their forehead and giving autographs on ladies' breasts. But before I could carry my imagination any further, the captain let's out the rest of his dialogue "who is in need of medical assistance, is there anyone on board with medical background ?".
My pupils dilated as if somebody had used them as a trampoline, from being wide and full, they shrunk to the size of a full stop. I heard the rest of the passengers on the plane crane their neck over their seats to see what the drama was all about. They were probably missing their favorite serial on the flight so this story might be one for the kitty parties and the poker nights. At the back of the plane was an air hostess who seemed to have lost consciousness and was being carried by her colleagues. She had been made to lie down while they looked at us with desperation, but not a soul moved, all could been seen were their eyes looking back at them, anticipating, expecting but not delivering. But then I saw a man with grey hair get up from his seat with an air of confidence, I could notice the outline of his stethoscope in the pocket of his jacket and this was his moment to shine.
He had been sitting in his dilapidated clinic in the gutters of the city, tending to pregnant teenagers and children faking their sickness to skip school. The money was measly, the hours were boring and life seemed to be just treading downhill with each passing day. But now, was not the time for making ends meet, he had been called for and he would serve. He started walking towards the air hostess and noticing him she went up to him with an air of anticipation in her eyes as she asked "are you the doctor ?", the man nodded his head and said something that sounded like "Can I see the patient ?" The look on her eyes changed drastically to that of disappointment as she asked him to sit down on his seat. What had happened ? Was he a veterinarian ? Was his breath too stinky ? Apparently it was neither, the question that he had asked was "can I use the toilet ?" So much for his moment to shine and serve. The old fart wanted to go for a tinkle while somebody was probably boarding the stairway to heaven.
It was one thing embracing death in times of peril but would I let somebody else die while I continue living ? I was no doctor nor a medical practitioner, hell my mother told me I was not man enough to study biology. But there seemed to be nobody to help and the only thing I was good at was being a hero. But what was I going to do ? Hold their hand and tell them it was ok ? I had no answer but the situation at hand seemed to have improved. Someone had shown up and tended to the lady, things were under control. This plane was not going to be hearse after all. I heaved a sigh of relief as I got up from my seat, went towards the seat where the hostess was lying, passed her by and opened to door to the toilet. Order had now been restored.
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